I've been a hermit these past couple of months mainly because life became so overwhelming, i barely had time to take a breath. I got tired of running around chasing my boss, accomplishing inconsequential tasks and being just another small cog in this rather very large wheel. Aside from that, it became so confusing going out with different people every week, I started mixing people's names and forgetting some engagements. I lost sleep and got miserable. My hair looked stressed, my skin felt stressed ... I became the embodiment of pure undiluted (you guessed it!) STRESS. So then I decided to stay put and not go out at all, which is a BIG thing if you know me that much. No going out for lunch/dinner, movies, bowling sessions, parties, dates... NADA. I even gave up my weekly attempts to exercise!

But yesterday, I was jolted out this funk. I woke up early, had my coffee, and took in the news... my ate's very bestest friend in the world, died the day before (which also happened to be my dad's birth day). It was horrible, considering he became close with my entire family. He was there for her since our Flos Carmeli days, through all the troubles with her ex, and most recently with the baby. So yesterday after staying a bit at his wake, I decided to get out of my hermit phase. After all, we're only here for a short while, aren't we?
 

1. Say it. (Don't take notice of the fact that he can't say it back, or of that weird feeling, you're really supposed to feel naked and vulnerable.)
2. Empathize. Try to understand how they feel, where they come from, and who they are. (Hell, there's a reason why he cancelled on you. You must be just too daft to understand his situation.)
3. Love unconditionally. (Ooer, Lavish him with gifts on his birthday--books and toys, shirts and new shoes? For after all, he'd do the same for you. Oh, wait. I think he forgot my birthday.)  
4. Expect nothing in return. Try loving just for the sake of love. Realize that someone may have a different way of showing his or her love for you, do not expect to be loved back in exactly the same way. (Oh, this is spot on! I'm getting nothing at all. Not even a call or a message.)
5. Realize it can be lost. (But still hang on and make yourself available all the time, just in case he changes his mind? or take him back the very second he shows up on your doorstep?)

hmmm...this is so me.

ah... being a female has it's perks.  

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

I rise
I rise
I rise.

-fr Still I Rise by Maya Angelou

I can be left here to linger in silence...

that's what i would like to do anyway.

To be left alone.

So yeah, I've been feeling stupidly sick the last few days. I think it's just a bit of extra depression or something or anxiety ...I don't know. But it's annoying. And my sleeping habits are just getting ridiculous now. I have so much shit to do too...like plan my  death and prepare my grave... fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Here I go again folks,
forcing myself to write.
Letting it all spout it's way out.
I know exactly what I want to write about, but there's no time in today's world...but i'll tell you anyway.

Haven't felt happy in weeks.
But what can I say that stuff tends to where off eventually.
I don't have much to say, but I'm forcing myself to get something out.
Life has been trying to kill me, to strangle me, to rape and caress me my whole life.
Sometimes I find myself winning and sometimes I am losing.
But it's a continual battle, one that has not yet to be finished.
I shall reap rewards that have yet to be seen.
I know what I have to do.
I will sacrifice my desire in hopes of attaining something magnificent.
I will ignore this urge to regain touch.
I know how the human mind works, now I just need to get a part of mine to shut itself down.
I can do what's hard, after all the future isn't the hardest part of my life.

I had the worst weekend ever. Three days of agonizing pain have given me the chance to think about things and clear my head of these emotional baggages i've been carrying around for the past month. I've  realized that sometimes bad things just happen--no reason, no purpose. They just occur and we're left to pick up the pieces the best we can. The fact that there is little you can do to avoid your own personal terrors makes life so goddamn hard. It's like Life taking on a life of it's own and moving on without you...(does that even make sense?)

Anyhow I'm better now, I've stopped taking painkillers (so makakausap nyo na ako ng maayos, that is kung wala akong topak) and I'm currently trying to finish my long-overdued papers. Also I'm still struggling with my problems (they just keep on coming!). I'm still pissed off about Mindwave closing down, am I out of job or what? Where does that leave me, in bankruptcy court? I don't exactly have my very own Fort Knox, you know...

And I'm not giving up the possibility of a good soul turning up with tickets to the norah jones concert...sige na birthday ko pa naman...

Funny, what a broken heart can do to you : when your heart gets broken, you sort of see the cracks in everything.

Oh. My. God. I am sooooo happy i'm online!!!! It's been, what, weeks since i've checked my mail, viewed friendster and updated lj! All because my goddam modem is fucking busted! So, well, i've no choice but to resort to visiting one of those crummy internet shops and renting a pc. WTF! And the one i'm using right now sucks, because it freezes and restarts by it's own will!!!

Anyway, on to stuff that you need to know. I didn't get to join my beloved family's trip to Bicol. I ate shrimps and crabs the night before the trip and my allergies decided to come out and greet me happy, itchy christmas! So the only ones that went ahead with the trip was my parents. Ate Jen, Ann, James and Christian all decided to stay and look after moi. But they didn't stick around that long because come christmas morning they all dressed up and went to my cousins' for the usual Aguirre Gathering. I was left all alone, eating all the chocolate i can take (which added to my skin problems kasi nakalimutan kong bawal din pala chocolate), and feasting on century tuna for my christmas dinner. JOY!!!

I'm hoping New Year will be better, because I swear to God, im keeping my distance from all the prohibited yet oh-so-tempting pleasures.

Oh btw, we're having shrimp again for tonight's dinner. Pray for me, my friends.